What car is that NFL player? NFC South edition

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer) 09/16/2015 at 03:55 • Filed to: what car is that nfl player, what car is that player, nfc south, panthers, saints, bucs, buccaneers, falcons

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(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the NFC South )

New Orleans Saints

Drew Brees, QB: Ferrari 360

Why? Drew Brees is still a prolific quarterback, but he’s aging and the younger guys are getting the best of him. His passer rating in the past three seasons has been 96.3, 104.7, and 97.0 — extremely impressive numbers, especially for someone now entering his 15th year in the NFL. In Brees’ 2001 rookie season, only 5 players had a rating of 90.0 or better. In 2014, that number is 16, or half of the league. Of the 16 quarterbacks with a rating of 90.0 or higher, only 3 had a losing record: Eli Manning, Matt Ryan, and Drew Brees. In a very similar way, the Ferrari 360 is still a fantastic car to look at and drive. Its 4.2 second 0-to-60 time is very impressive even by today’s standards, but it is no longer elite like it used to be. Since its release in 1999, there have been a plethora of production cars to break 3.0 seconds, let alone 4.0. Drew Brees is still a supercar and anyone should be grateful to have him; he just isn’t as good as today’s hypercars. (Photo credits: New York Daily News, Motortrend)

Cameron Jordan, DE: Aston Martin V8 Series 3 and 4

Why? What is that car down there? Is it a Mustang? Looks like a Mustang. It is a Mustang...in the same way that Cameron Jordan is a former Browns tight end that was recently signed by the Dolphins. The Cameron Jordan/Jordan Cameron confusion has spread from ill-informed fans to an episode of The League to an all-out jersey sales mishap by the NFL Shop itself. Mistaken identity isn’t the only thing that this pair has in common with the Volante/Mustang doppelgangers: they are also both pretty successful. Jordan and Cameron both made the Pro Bowl in 2013. The Mustang is, of course, one of the most famous and popular models in automotive history, and the Volante was putting out 245 ponies in the early 1980’s when the ‘Stang’s engine options ranged from a pathetic 85 HP to a measly 132 HP. Side note: that 132 mark was from a turbocharged 4 cylinder, blasphemous to enthusiasts of the time. So if you wanted a real muscle car, you actually had to buy an Aston. (Photo credits: New Orleans Saints, Aston Martin)

Carolina Panthers

Cam Newton, QB: Cadillac Escalade

Why? The Cadillac signifies money, retailing upwards of $90,000, and was extremely lusted after when it first came out. Cam Newton completed a 2011 rookie year that saw 35 total touchdowns (21 passing, 14 rushing) and has been riding it ever since. He is estimated to make over $10 million in endorsement deals alone in 2015, second only to Peyton Manning. Newton also signed a contract this off season for 5 years worth $103 million, even with a career passer rating of just 85.2. Newton is also, like the Cadillac at 17 combined MPG, bad for his environment with fights during practice and a less-than-stellar 0.500 career win percentage. Someone should tell the Panthers that they can get the same results out of a Tahoe for two-thirds of the cost. (Photo credits: USA Today, Cadillac)

Michael Oher, T: DeLorean DMC-12

Why? Hollywood is simply not reality. The DeLorean was iconicized by the Back to the Future franchise and everybody recognizes it as the car that took Marty McFly to 1955 when he pushed the car to its 88 mile-per-hour sweet spot. Except, the time machine never would have hit 88 in a parking lot with its 130 horsepower and 10.5 second 0-to-60 time. The Libyans had a better chance of time travel. But it always feels good to see a DeLorean; it’s a recognizable face to a feel-good story. So, fans in Carolina are happy to have Michael Oher, subject of the film Blindside , because they immediately associate him with the kid that was taught how to football by Sandra Bullock. While the early story was stretched (even Oher has said he disproves of the movie), it also painted Oher as a god figure at the left tackle position. After 5 lackluster years in Baltimore, 2014 was an injury plagued season in Tennessee where Oher was ranked 74th out of 78 offensive tackles by Pro Football Focus. Released by the Titans in Spring, he lands in Charlotte for 2015. With any luck, he can improve and earn his first Pro Bowl appearance—and maybe even a sequel. (Photo credits: Fox Sports, How Stuff Works)

Atlanta Falcons

Matt Ryan, QB: Subaru WRX STi

Why? The WRX STi may not be the most practical daily driver like its less-sporty Subaru brothers. It’s also not the fastest sports car in the world by any means. But when it’s a blizzard, it will get the job done. And when the battery dies, you will still be alright because the STi is ONLY available in manual. Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan may not be the best quarterback for three quarters, but it doesn’t matter because he knows how to pop the clutch. He has 20 fourth quarter comebacks coming into 2015, most among quarterbacks since his rookie year of 2008. Unless Atlanta can vastly improve on its defense that ranked last in yards allowed per game in 2014 (398.2), there should be plenty more comeback opportunities for Matty this season. (Photo credits: NFL.com, Car and Driver)

Julio Jones, WR: Ford SVT Raptor

Why? Julio is a high-flying spectacle of athletic ability that provides excitement on every Sunday. At the combine, he streaked through the 40 yard dash in 4.39 seconds and displayed a 38.5” vertical leap, which has quickly translated into success on the field. He’s averaged just under 90 yards per game in his career and led the NFC with 1,593 yards in 2014, setting a Falcons franchise record along the way. The Ford Raptor, arguably the most exciting full size pickup since the Ram SRT-10, uses its 411 horsepower to get to 60 in just 6.5 seconds. It, like Julio, is amazing to watch flying falling with style through the air, and it has 35” tires from the factory that will take it to infinity and beyond. (Photo credits: Bleacher Report, Car and Driver)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jameis Winston, QB: Ford Pinto

Why? In the way that Jameis was picked in the 2015 draft to save the Bucs’ franchise, the Pinto was supposed to save Ford from the imported, small, econo-cars of the 60’s and 70’s. The reputation of the Pinto was tarnished by a faulty design that would cause the fuel filler neck to break off and throw gasoline everywhere during rear end collisions. At higher speeds, the car would “accordion” and the doors would be crushed shut, trapping occupants inside as the gas spilled. In total, the Pinto resulted in an estimated 900 fatalities. The stink of it is that Ford knew of the flaw before the car went into production, but decided that it was more profitable to pay any lawsuits than to fix the problem in the first place. And yet, Ford succeeded in selling over 3 million Pintos over 10 years of production. Winston comes in as the #1 pick, and the reason that this is troublesome is that everyone has seemed to have forgotten about his dirty secrets as well. Winston was accused of sexual assault while at Florida State, and a New York Times article revealed that the police and university investigation seems purposely incomplete in an attempt to cover for the quarterback. While the accusations may not be true, one would think that the NFL would want to proactively investigate the allegations against Winston in order to avoid any future controversies like the Ray Rice assault of 2014. After all, they just spent millions of dollars debating whether a ball was inflated properly. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, How Stuff Works)

Austin Seferian-Jenkins, TE: Cadillac CTS-V Sport Wagon

Why? Picture this: a naive driver of the aforementioned Ferrari 360 sits at a stop sign. A soccer mom pulls up next to the Ferrari in her Cadillac Wagon. She revs the engine. The Ferrari owner laughs (“More than you can afford, pal. Ferrari.”) , but plays along. The light turns to green. Which driver wins and which driver can’t get his jaw off of the floor? The Cadillac, with its Corvette-derived LSA engine, rockets itself to 60 miles per hour in just 3.9 seconds. That’s faster than the 360, and also faster than a modern Camaro Z/28 or a BMW M4. What’s the beauty of this Wagon? It can humiliate people without them ever seeing it coming. It’s a SLEEPER , which is exactly what Seferian-Jenkins is this season. Defenses aren’t prepared for him, and only keen fantasy players have even heard of him. But Bucs Offensive Coordinator Dirk Koetter (formally of the Atlanta Falcons) believes that ASJ will have a breakout sophomore campaign and compared him to Tony Gonzalez. High praise for the young tight end, and time will tell if taking the risk on him will reap high reward. (Photo credits: Buccaneers.com, Motortrend)

BONUS Doug Martin, RB: Kia Soul

Why? Martin, although he apparently doesn’t approve, is known as the Muscle Hamster due to his speedy and powerful running style. Since Kia has hamsters as their spokespeople (uh, spokesanimals?) for the Soul, this one just had to be done. Plus, Kia has come out with some surprisingly cool, one-off concepts based on the Soul (Trail’ster, Track’ster) that are a little more fitting for a back like Martin. (Photo credits: USA Today, Kia)

Wheelerguy > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 04:47

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This is unexpected.

Expo2k > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 07:35

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Nice! Also, from the nation’s capitol:

The Team with the Racist Name : Hyundai Scoupe

They’re both deplorably named dumpster fires of quality control and management failure. They’re both decomposing faster than sashimi in the sun, taking with them the hopes, dreams, IQs, and physical abilities of any supporting parties. Much like FedEx Field, the Scoupe (it’s Excel-based) utilizes reduced seating capacity to accomplish nothing beyond frustration. Both were better 30 years ago, when the ‘Skins won a few games, and before the ancestral stack of rusty sewage pipes was melted down into a vaguely carlike shape.

Ross Kraz > Expo2k 09/16/2015 at 09:49

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This is very eloquently written. I focused mostly on players throughout the completion of these (I did RGIII and Pierre Garcon), but maybe describing each franchise as a car would be entertaining as well. Not a bad idea.

Theknownothingguy > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 13:59

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Very few in carolina were excited about picking up oher because of the movie. The response I saw more of was people assuming he was soft because he was the subject of a compassionate movie, which was dumb because they should have seen him as soft because of his nfl performance.

suspiciousmind > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 14:07

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Cam Newton....

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Dr. Artemis Jones > Ross Kraz 09/16/2015 at 15:54

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Someone should tell the Panthers that they can get the same results out of a Tahoe for two-thirds of the cost.

That is a beautifully apt comparison. Kudos.